1. If it is raining, I will stand on the wonky paving stone which will then shoot a jet of water right up my dress. Every damn time.
2. When my hair looks fantastic and my outfit doesn’t look like something out of the bottom of the ragbag then I will not see a soul all day.
3. Conversely, when my hair looks like a Take A Break makeover before picture I will meet everyone and their granny.
4. I do not look good in yoga pants. I do not even know why I own these things. I had one yoga class 10 years ago and it made me cry. The lessons went but the pants live on.
5. The reasons why my big black boots are in the spare room is because the zip is broken. The zip goes up but doesn’t come down. I find the boots, go, “oooh, I love those boots”, wear them, then struggle for half an hour to get the bloody things off. I need to throw them out, not throw them in the spare room.
She helped bring up her brothers and sisters, and the youngest three thought of her as their mum.
She was very stylish. When they were older, her sisters would steal her clothes to wear themselves. Mum would sleep with her clothes for the next day under her pillow.
She wanted to be a nun when she was younger, then met my dad and that didn’t happen.
She had a beautiful voice and sung in an award-winning choir.
Because my dad was Protestant and she was Catholic they were married at the chapel’s side altar. Mum lost her faith shortly after that.
We moved to America with my dad just after I was born. He had an affair while she was pregnant with my brother and she moved back to Glasgow with us two kids.
She worked so many jobs to keep us going. She was a cutter, a barmaid, a packer, a cook. She worked as a cleaner and on the market and in the chippie.
She’d come in from the chippie late at night and kiss me goodnight and I’d smell the fryers on her clothes. I liked the smell because then I knew she was home.
She always thought she should know more. She’d take correspondence courses because she left school at 14 to help look after her brothers and sisters.
She never drank, but kept a bottle of Southern Comfort in the house “in case I ever fancy a wee drink.” She never fancied a wee drink.
She wrote letters. Every single one started “Hoping that this letter finds you well.” She signed off every letter and card, “Wishing you all that’s good.”
She had long elegant fingers, like a piano player.
She had beautiful handwriting.
She was terrified of dogs, and had a phobia of earrings and pierced ears. When my granny took me to get my ears pierced without telling her, mum went ballistic.
Mum threw up every time she saw me twisting my earrings.
She’d blister in the sun, even with full sun cream on.
Her hair was like wire wool, and she would curse when she was trying to style it. She’d brush mine and tell me she wished she had straight hair like mine.
I wanted my hair to be like hers.
She baked every Sunday. Singin’ Hinnies, bread and scones.
I loved the way our house smelled on Sundays.
She talked to all the old biddies at the post office, at the bus stop, in the street. I complained and she said that she could be the only person they talked to that day, and I should think on.
She wore Tweed perfume. I’d save up my pocket money to buy her a bottle at Christmas.
Whenever she watched a sad film she’d say, “C’mere, sit on my knee” and we’d coorie in together on the couch.
She loved a coorie in.
She never learned how to drive a car or ride a bike.
She was really funny. She’d come out with some shockingly funny things then say, “Oh, you never heard that, ok?”
She loved Walnut Whips and treated herself to one every Friday.
Every Mother’s Day I’d buy her an African Violet, and my brother would buy her three Walnut Whips.
Yesterday morning I was in a right bad mood. With a giant sense of entitlement that only the truly grumpy can master, I was raging about the One Direction gig. I’d originally booked for the Friday night, so the late night wouldn’t be an issue for R, but that gig was rescheduled to the Sunday. This meant that we would be shlepping all the way to Greenwich (Greenwich ffs) on a freezing cold Sunday night, and would be getting back home at stupid o’clock when R had school the next day. I didn’t want to go.
As the time to leave drew closer, I started to get over myself. I saw lots of tweets from people wishing they were going and started to feel a bit guilty. What was the worst that could happen? Apart from deafness from the screams. R was bouncing off the walls in excitement, and it was hard to sustain the Grumplestiltskin attitude. Especially when faced with a ten-year-old whirling fiend of excitement. New clothes, new hair, new shoes, new glasses – she’d prepared for this like a bear would for winter.
We got there in plenty of time. One recommendation if you are going to the O2 and subscribe to Sky, then pre-book for Sky Backstage on the Rewards site. It’s fantastic, especially if going with kids. Everyone who works there must be told one thing – make everyone who comes through that door feel like a rock star. Which they did. If we were in a queue for anything, the staff would start talking away to us. I went to the bar and spent four quid on a bag of Randoms and you’d have thought I’d dropped the big bucks on a Jeroboam of Cristalle. There was free facepainting, massages, a pool table, and a 3D TV studio. The 3DTV studio was an early highlight. Watching two pre-teen girls rock out with their bad selves to “WMYB” in 3D television will cause you to pull a muscle in your sides. I am still sore.
The gig. I’ve seen 1D twice before. Once at Wembley as part of the X Factor tour, and then again at Hammersmith. I could not tell you anything at all about them, they made that little impression on me. I liked the thought of them, because my daughter and all my nieces love them and I have a lot of online friends who do too. For me that’s all they were – a band that people I liked, liked.
When we got onto the floor there was a man sitting behind us with his three tween daughters. They were hyper even before the gig started, and dad was just sitting there, bright yellow earplugs in, reading his book. He caught my eye and the two of us did the “OMG what have we let ourselves in for” eyeroll of sympathy.
I was hooked from the introductory video. It wasn’t “oh look at us, look at our wacky hijinks and we are going to have so much fun tonight and we don’t care about you”. It was fun, and charming and and said “We are going to make you have so much fun tonight”. Which they did.
Three songs in and grumpy dad behind us had chucked away his book and was up dancing and clapping. R started jumping up and down from the first song and didn’t stop until they left the stage. K, her fellow tween two years older than R, danced and sang and clapped all the way through it. J and I, the supposed responsible adults were right in there as well. How could I be churlish or not have fun when surrounded by so many people having a good time and 5 guys determined to give it to them?
All during the gig the band members were talking to each other and to the musicians in the backing band, off mic. When they were front of stage near the audience they would wave hello and start talking off mic to people below – at one point Harry was having a conversation with a fan and said, “oops, I’ve got to go” and ran centre stage for his solo. Near the end of the gig, Niall was chatting away to the audience for ages and Zayn stood up from left of stage, wandered over to the other end of the stage and whispered something into Louis’s ear. The two of them laughed and he wandered back to his stage position, the whole exchange for all the world like a guy who remembered that he had something to tell his pal.
They enjoy what they are doing, but it’s not like watching the cool kids having fun at the next table in the dinner hall while you’re sitting there with two sad digestives sandwiched with butter and drinking a Panda Pop. They’re constantly on the go, waving at fans, bouncing around, bringing everyone along with them. It’s impossible not to share the joy of it all.
I thought that I would go for a walk or go to the loo or fill my ears with hot buttered popcorn and writhe on the floor in agony during “One Way Or Another/Teenage Kicks”. Those are two songs that I don’t want anyone messing with. Yet again, my attitude has changed. During this song R flung herself at me, jumped on my back and threw her arms around me. The two of us bounced up and down, she was so filled with joy at this and was BELLOWING into my ear. How can you not love that? I get it now. 1D haven’t “stolen” my songs, I’ve still got them. These versions aren’t mine; I’ve got mine and R’s got hers, but for three minutes we shared them. I can enjoy both.
Zayn walks this way…
…and then he walks that way.
Harry – I thought Harry would be the “too cool for school” guy. Not a bit of it. He was right in there with them all, and his reactions and chats with the fans when he was off camera and off mic were funny and lovely.
Louis – Louis made me cry. I won’t say why, because I know people are going to see it and I don’t want to spoil it. But if you have seen it then you know what I am talking about.I was a useless mess.
Liam – During “Little Things” the crowd was singing back to them. He got all choked up and after the song when he was standing beside the keyboard player you could see him saying, “Did you hear that? Amazing. Incredible” and pointing to the crowd, then wiping his face with his hands. Big softie.
Zayn – He didn’t get much of a chance to talk to the crowd – Liam, Louis and Niall were taking all the best slots. Poor Zayn. He was always waving and smiling at fans.
Niall – God bless him. He got the biggest screams of the night. When he got a close up on the big screen, when he got a solo, when he got his guitar out or when he did anything the crowd went crazy.
At one point of the show One Direction go right overhead. As they approached R was going bats. She was jumping and waving and was glowing in excitement. Then Niall caught her eye and he waved and smiled at her. Oh my giddy aunt. The expression on her face. Just for that I will love him forever.
That’s all. We were going to leave before the encore to make sure we didn’t get stuck in traffic, but that was never an option once the gig started. With humour, chat and a fun stage show (and whoever is directing the big screen videos and also the live segments, they are brilliant.) we were there until the very end. And didn’t begrudge a minute of it.
R ran in to school this morning, absolutely shattered, but gave me a massive high-five as she was singing Kiss You. That morning a year ago when I sat with umptyump windows open on my PC, cursing to all while struggling to get tickets now feels like the best morning’s work I’ve ever done.
Right. I cannot believe that I was scratching around for songs in 1980 when this monster of a song was left off. When I had the “oh FFS” moment and saw that it was released in 1980 and I missed my chance, I groaned. Then I realised that it was still in the charts in 1981 so with some jiggery pokey, it qualified. Go nuts, and don’t forget the Joker.
Ace of Spades – Motörhead
Swords Of A Thousand Men – Tenpole Tudor
Not punk, not New Romantic, not Adam Ant, but with tinges of them all. I quite like shouty chants in a song, so this is ideal. I even shout along to the “there was hope in our English hearts” bit.
Hitsville UK – The Clash
Clash purists are going to hate this, but bear with me. I love songs that have a story. Oblique lyrics are great too, but give me a song with a beginning, middle and an end and I’m happy. I’m a simple soul. I also love male/female voices singing together; the male voice low in the mix and the female one slightly higher. This song has both of these things. And for anyone shouting I should have waited a few years and used The Clash 80s card for “Should I Stay Or Should I Go” that was supposedly written about the female vocalist on Hitsville UK, so it all ties together.
Shut Up – Madness
Picking one Madness song out of everything they released caused hours of discussion between me and Husband. We don’t even have the same Top 3. But then again, he had sod all to do with this endeavour so his arguments were invalid. I finally whittled it down to Our House, Embarrassment and this one. Then memories of the gospel choir on Wings of a Dove kicked in. Too much choice! Shut Up won the hallowed spot by the very scientific method of “it was first up in shuffle”.
Labelled With Love -Squeeze
One of the experts of the story song.
Hazel O’Connor – Will You
Breaking Glass should be shown as part of the Friday night music strand in BBC4.
Reward – Teardrop Explodes
Can’t talk, bouncing around the room.
The Specials – Ghost Town
Thank goodness for Terry Hall and his many aliases, because if I had to pick just one song of his over the years I would be tearing my hair out.
Christmas Wrapping – The Waitresses
Even if I compiled this playlist in the height of summer, I would put this song in. This was another of my mum’s charity shop finds for me, and it was on white vinyl. She later binned it when I moved out, not knowing it was in my pile of treasures that I kept at hers so I wouldn’t lose them as I bounced around between Glasgow, Brighton and Burnham. It could have been worse though. When my pal Dougie moved to Burnham, his mum threw out his complete collection of 2000 AD comics. But Gordon took the biscuit. He went home one weekend from Brighton to find that his dad had turned his bed frame into a garden gate. Poor Bedless Gordon.
How ‘Bout Us – Champaign
This could be filler. This could be great. I am undecided. Depends on the mood that I am in. The emoting in the video makes it worth its inclusion.
Four From Toyah EP – Toyah
This is meant to be an EP, but I only remember ever hearing It’s A Mystery. I’m going to have to dig out the rest for a listen.
Lately – Stevie Wonder
Because I can’t have Superstition. Superstition should be in every playlist, ever.
Wordy Rappinghood – Tom Tom Club
I bought this years later, on a cassette, with my own money. I was so proud.
I Go To Sleep – Pretenders
I love Chrissie Hynde’s voice and attitude. Even singing Smelly Cat.
I’m In Love With A German Film Star – The Passions
This confused the hell out of me when I was younger. It sounded so different from everything else and I had no idea what the lyrics were about.
The Southern Freeez – Freeez
Another one where I just love the singer’s voice.
Is Vic There – Department S
Best letter ever in Smash Hits two weeks after this left the charts. “Hi. Vic here. Any messages?”
Under Pressure – Queen and David Bowie
The phrasing, the voices, the tune, the lyrics. Love love love.
Love Action – Human League
One of Sheffield’s finest.
Fade To Grey – Visage
When I decided that the New Romantic stuff looked quite fun.
Next up, 1982. With The Associates, Heaven 17 and Soft Cell.
I came to most of these a lot later, mainly years later when I worked in Brighton and heard lots of different music in the house and office, so the songs jump around all over the shop.
Echo Beach – Martha and the Muffins
A great “I just need to get through this working week and then I can cut loose and do whatever the hell I want, and if I’m lucky I’ll get to go somewhere I really like” song. In Brighton, Bony worked in the docs library, hidden away in the stacks of files, and every so often his voice would boom out singing, “my job is very boring I’m an office clerk”. I still think of him when I hear this.
if You’re Looking For A Way Out – Odyssey
I love this singer’s voice. She’s very melancholic, in every song there is a line or phrasing that gets to me – even in the happier songs. Not what you expect from disco. I think I love this and “Native New Yorker” equally, but Native New Yorker is just too damned sad. Mind you, the subject of this one isn’t all “life is sparkly and wonderful” either.
Call Me – Blondie
My mum was a great one for a bargain. She found it impossible to walk past a charity shop and we loved the grand unveiling of what was in her Bags Of Magical Treasures when she came home. One of the best days was when she arrived with an ancient Dansette record player and a bag of LPs. In amongst the Mac and Katie Kissoon and other beauties there was a copy of Blondie’s Parallel Lines. I loved that album. The Dansette mysteriously found itself in my room (much to my brother’s disgust) and I would swing the arm of the record player over so that the record would repeat and fall asleep listening to the LP. That started my love affair with Blondie.
Kitchen At Parties – Jona Lewie
Kirsty MacColl! Trying not to laugh.
Three Minute Hero – The Selecter
Pauline Black was such an excellent front woman.
Start – The Jam
Anonymity, anger and connections.
Love Will Tear Us Apart Again – Joy Division
I can’t write anything about this song without sounding like an idiot, so I’ll not write about the song.
The boys in Brighton Introduced me to this song; I still remember the first time I properly heard it. Sitting round an old tinny tape recorder on Brighton Beach, each of the boys saying that the song meant something different and each loving the song for a different reason.
Burn Rubber On Me – The Gap Band
Take yer crappy Oops Upside Your Head dance and stick it. Then go absolutely nuts and dance however the hell you want to this piece of delirious funk.
Geno – Dexy’s Midnight Runners
So angry, such a fantastic voice and storyteller
Antmusic – Adam and the Ants
I love it when Adam Ant turns up on a programme, talking about… Anything really. He’s got such a great way of looking at things and explaining them that you cant help but listen. Plus of course he’s perfect at pop.
Green Onions – Booker T and the MGs
Any excuse to stick a song with a link to Northern Soul in here and I’m going to take it, re-release or not.
Christine – Siouxsie and the Banshees
If you love this song, every time you meet someone called Christine you can’t help but add “The Strawberry Girl” after it. It must get very wearing if you’re called Christine.
Dancing With Myself – Billy Idol
I might have cheated with the version of this. Don’t care. It’s good so I’m allowed.
My Perfect Cousin – The Undertones
My granny had ten kids. That’s a helluva lot of aunties and uncles and therefore cousins. One of them is such a goodie two shoes that this is her nickname. At her mum’s birthday party she was going to be late and phoned me. All of the cousins were sitting at one table, my phone went off and I had set this as her ringtone. We all went for our phones as we had all set her with this as the ringtone. Poor Heth.
Searchin – Change
God, I’m struggling with 1980. I picked this just for the “stop, stop” bit.
Love Is The Drug -Grace Jones
. Whip It – Devo
Now this is more like it. Another song that I discovered years later via the boys in Brighton.
Is It Love You’re After – Rose Royce
Tail end of disco, tail end of the playlist. Is it 1981 yet?
Redemption Song – Bob Marley
The Legend album in our school was as ubiquitous as the school uniform.
Hungry Heart – Bruce Springsteen
Since this was all @wkidstepmother’s idea, and it is rumoured that she likes Bruce Springsteen just a little bit, this is for her.
Next up 1981. Tenpole Tudor, Tom Tom Club and The Specials.
The other day on twitter, @wkidstepmother tweeted that she was making a 20 song playlist for every year from 1979. Songs featured had to be singles, and an act could only feature in one year. Because I haven’t had an original thought in a while, I jumped on that.
The one year thing makes it hard! Picking one Smiths song, or Cure, or Wonder Stuff is a struggle. I’ve been arguing with C about choices and digging out songs that I haven’t listened to in years.
I started on 1983 (I’ll go back to 1980-1982 later). This is what the first Now That’s What I Call Music album would have looked like if I was in charge.
Yeah, I’ll pretend that’s why I picked 1983 to start on. It wasn’t. It was so I could start with this.
Calling Your Name – Marilyn
Joyous pop. Fun and stupid, great tune and best of all, the delightful Miss Claudia Fontaine on backing vocals.
This Charming Man – The Smiths
Trying to pick a favourite Smiths song is bloody impossible. It all depends what kind of mood I’m in. So I just went for the first Smiths song that I fell in love with.
The Story Of The Blues – Wah
Bloody hell I loved Pete Wylie. I remember buying this song with my pocket money and feeling like a political firebrand.
Our Lips Are Sealed – Fun Boy Three
I heard the Go-Gos version of this first, and for years I thought it was called All This I Feel. I need to stop making shit up if I don’t know the real words.
Oblivious – Aztec Camera
This was another struggle picking just one Aztec Camera song. Somewhere In My Heart should be in here. I’m not happy I left it out.
Double Dutch – Malcolm McLaren
Hey ebo-ebo-Ebonettes! I was living in a small town in the East Midlands when this came out. I was entranced by the video and New York – it looked so glamorous and big city and exciting. I can do the Double Dutch movements, but stick two ropes in there and I come unstuck big time. Something else that I am better off watching and dreaming about than actually doing. The song is another one that makes me feel happy just by listening to it.
Gold – Spandau Ballet
I have no shame. I starfish like a good ‘un at the “Gold” parts, and at SingStar I can take on all comers and win. And still question what the importance of the chairs in the lyrics are.
In A Big Country – Big Country
I’m as surprised as anyone at this being included. I listened to it and sang along like a demon, so here it is. And who can argue with tartan shirts? Unfortunately not visible in this video.
Never Never – The Assembly
Cannae beat a bit of angst.
The Cutter – Echo And The Bunnymen
Another struggle to pick just one song. This is one of my favourite bands, and I saw them live at Hard Rock a few years ago and nearly wept with happiness. It was either this or Silver and this just won out. But all of their songs have a special place for me.
This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody) – Talking Heads
Oh my word, what a song. If it catches me in the right mood I’ll be soaring; the wrong mood and I’ll be a sobbing wreck.
Don’t Talk To Me About Love – Altered Images
I think I wanted to be Clare Grogan. For a while I dressed like her.
Victims – Culture Club
Picked solely because I was asked to dance to this with a boy. The first time I was ever asked to dance by a boy. Then he bought me one of those juices in a cup with a foil top and put the straw in it for me. Smoooooooth.
Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This – The Eurythmics
I had a crappy old radio in my room. I used to lie in bed listening to Laser 558, a pirate station that was on long wave. Whenever I hear this song it reminds me of frantically waving the radio around trying to get and keep a signal, and this song sounding scratchy and echoey and ethereal coming through the night.
Hold Me Now – The Thompson Twins
I was such a Thompson Twins fan. I used to cut the lyrics to their songs out from Smash Hits and stick them to my wall. Made me feel ever so grown up. Made my mum livid as it pulled the woodchip wallpaper off the wall.
Everyday I Write The Book – Elvis Costello
Not my favourite Elvis Costello song, but the only one that fits in the dateline of the playlists, so here it is. Still a great song. And Miss Claudia is there again.
Love Is A Wonderful Colour – The Icicle Works
I cannot sing along to this to save myself. I still try. It’s not pretty.
Relax – Frankie Goes To Hollywood
The video made for The Tube was a shocker to my wee innocent eyes. First time I’d seen anything like it, and with this song it was an absolute game changer. My lovely auntie sent me a “Frankie Says…” t shirt from Glasgow which I though made me the coolest kid in the town.
Let The Music Play – Shannon
My mum used to sing along to this song. She had a fantastic voice, when she was younger she was in an award-winning Glasgow choir. The fact that someone so old could know such a modern song amazed me.
She was in her thirties.
Rip It Up – Orange Juice
This could possibly be my favourite song ever. My favourite song changes, but this never drops out of the Top 5. Postcard West of Scotland Jangly Pop 4 Evah
(I know some of the videos aren’t the best, but they’re the only ones that are viewable on mobile. Why people make their videos unviewable by mobile is beyond me.)
1. When I leave the hot water running that bit too long and it runs cold, thus ruining the optimal temperature. Turmoil.
2. When I don’t put enough bubble bath in it, and get a pathetic thin layer of bubbles, rather than the “Iceberg dead ahead!”-like mounds of bubbles I wished for. Trauma.
3. When I spend ages tying my hair up because I can’t be bothered washing it then slip down getting in the bath so that hair is then sodden. Rage.
4. When I just get comfortable but realise that I have left my book and drink on the other side of the bathroom and have to get out of the bath to retrieve them. Ire.
5. When I have retrieved errant items, just got comfortable AGAIN and then there’s a knock on the door because someone needs to use the facilities. Annoyance.
6. When I realise that I have left the super fluffy lovely towel and my super fluffy cosy dressing gown on my bed. Then realising that I have also left my curtains open and the lights on in the bedroom, meaning that I have to do a commando crawl in to get them. I frickin love that. Love it.
